Time For A New Holiday Tradition!
It’s been such a long time since I’ve truly celebrated the holidays. I burned out on it back in 2006 or so because my parents are narcissists, my brothers are broken, my children ended up in the middle of it and I couldn’t justify pretending we’re all one big happy family when about an hour into things, somebody’s going to trigger. I straight bugged out and stopped attending.
Nobody took me seriously (because they hadn’t given me permission to no longer celebrate gift giving holidays and family gatherings, see) so they continued forcing inclusion until I finally just stopped attending. Then they reacted as if I’d kicked the baby jesus in the head.
Truth be told, 2006 was the year I began an extrication process and pulled away from this entire family dynamic. I’d finally understood what “toxic” meant. I was dying. They were poisoning me every day and I was dying. I was withering into invisibility, ineffectiveness and vanishing before my own eyes. Eventually, I made the choice to vanish in the night. I packed up and hit the road. I even made the radical move of legally changing my name. My entire name: first, middle and last.
Why is this relevant on Christmas Eve?
Once I’d safely made it to No Contact for a year or so, the urge to truly embrace the holidays came flooding back like crazy. Halloween . . . the black and orange filled my senses with crisp delight, the glitz of winter decorations, ornaments and sparkling Christmas lights – it all hit me like a freight train. I wanted to make spring flower bouquets out of crepe paper, I wanted to plaster pink and red hearts all over the walls, and even create a Tis The Season! tree – ironically, one of the few fond memories of my relationship with my mother. It’s not about her, though. It’s about the Tis The Season! tree.
Coolest damn thing ever.
I even started decorating my websites for the holidays.
Tonight, I am updating the site, uploading videos to my new You Tube channel, listening to my awesome “3 Hours of Christmas Music” playlist. I’ve got a delicious cinnamon bun scented candle burning on the stove. I gaze around the room at the tinsel and garland, the bows and bells, the holly, and I just smile. I am at peace. Real peace.
My son is in his room hanging out online with his friends from across the pond and closer to home. I think he’s writing, though. He and his friends write a serial sci fi story and role play it. Yep, total nerd. But he is happy and at peace as well.
So, Season’s Greetings, Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas to all . . .
. . . and to all, a good night!